There's Nothing Not To Love About Me

I really don't feel like being kind, understanding, objective none of that. I want to cuss everyone.

This I guess you can say is about being emotionally free. I'm the friend who quietly bites her tongue for fear of confrontation and problems, allows others to be complete jerks towards me and let's it "roll of their back." "So and So has been having a rough few days," "She's not herself," "I was wrong for yelling." NO I'm not and you know what I want to do right now? Bitch slap everyone who has ever done that and anyone who has ever said its the right thing to do. At what point does doing the 'mature thing' make you a door mat?

I want a space, a moment, a physical place in time where I can be selfish and not care about how you feel today and what will my action do to you. Nope! I want to come home to solitude not noise, sit and let my mind go still without remaining stressed 24/7.

I just want to be... Is that to much to ask?!

Say What's Real

This post is about honesty. And friendship.

I value honesty about all else. Above your feelings. My feelings. The moon. The sun. Everything. I am on a constant quest to be as honest as I can with myself and others because I truly believe that while the truth may hurt, it does set you free. (Without struggle there is no progress right?)

People have come to know me for my honesty and directness. In my view, I wouldn't be your friend if I couldn't be real with you. Shoot, I wouldn’t be ME if I couldn’t be honest. If you ask me a question I will tell you the truth. Sometimes you don't even have to ask. I have truth and opinions (which are different) for days. However, people are used to being lied to, lying to themselves and pretending, so when you tell the truth, you risk being labeled all types of negative things. (Mean. Bitchy. Bossy. Insensitive. Rude. Harsh.)

I tried doing things differently for a while back there. Biting my tongue, nodding, smiling -- being “nice.” The problem is NICE is bullshit. Being NICE is essentially being fake. I don't care to smile in people's faces. To lie to spare anyone's feelings. To put up with things I don't like or that hurt me in exchange for someone else's happiness. Being nice just piles up resentment and discomfort on me and I would just rather not do it. Especially not long-term. (It's one things if it's work, a one time encounter etc. But when it comes to my friends... no thanks.)

Instead, I worked on being kind. (Being genuine, honest and respectful.) I've had to adjust my delivery (how I say things) and work on discretion (when I say things) and direction (who I say things to). This is friendship, right? Being able to deal with the people I care about in ways that allow me to be true to myself and at the same time respectful and sensitive to your feelings.

First, I had to stop surrounding myself with people who I don't respect, who do foolishness and who can't handle reality. It’s just too frustrating for me. I don't care how fun or sweet you are. If you make bad decisions/ you're an idiot/you are not self-aware and accountable in some way/ you lie to me or to yourself - I don't have time for that BS.

I’m not your mother so don’t expect me to kiss your booboo all day and piss on the bad man who hurt you. I’m your friend, I’m here to help you clean the wound, bandage it and figure out how to not fall in that hole again. I’m here to squeeze your hand as we put on the antiseptic and to remind you that while it may burn now, this too shall pass. And (here's the part most people hate) I’m also here to say I hope you learned your lesson and that you better not let that shit happen again.

That is what friends are for.

Second, I had to learn to let people be who they are, let them make their own mistakes, let them learn on their own and grow on their own. I can't force you to live your life the way I would. I attached myself to you because there was something in you I like. I have to accept the things I don’t like as well. If I can’t, then I need to leave you alone. The same way, if you don’t like my honesty, you should pack your stuff. As my friend, you need to know if you come to me, while I'll be empathetic and woowoowoo with you, I will tell you if I think you're wrong and whenever you're ready for some solutions, I have at least 3 suggestions ready and waiting. If you don't want that, then don't call me.

In the same vein, I want you to tell me when you think I'm wrong/ should leave him/ need to get myself together, etc. I need people to tell me what is, not what I need to hear. I need the people on my side who are looking out for what's best for me and aren't afraid to say what's real. Tell me the truth and let me decide if I want to accept it or not. Feelings are just feelings. They come and go. They may hurt but shit, I'm an adult. I’ll recover.

And so will you.

Keep that s#$%! to yourself

You know what would be great? If people would keep their ignorance to themselves. I don't want to have to walk down the street and hear your ignorant phone conversations, see your poor outfit choices, or have to listen to whatever the f&^%! you're listening to in the morning just because you're too dumb to realize that either A. Headphones are meant to keep the noise in or B. YOUR CELLPHONE IS NOT A SOUND SYSTEM!
Also, I'm sure your culture and your people are lovely, but guess what. I don't want to hear their damn music in the morning! Oh? You are having an argument that's loud enough for everyone to hear at 8am? Kindly shut the f$@^ up! I can't understand it all, but from what I gather, I would not give a flying f&#^ if I did.

Get yourself together.

Just FYI

I want to cuss everybody.

pms revelations

Major pms moment: I woke up this morning, after staying up until 5 , and was realistic about my chances of going and staying awake in class, so I returned to bed. Woke up again around 12 without regret, but I was in tears before I knew it. I returned my bf's earlier wake up calls and we had a long convo, in which I broke down. We talked about a bunch of different things bothering me at the moment, both real and exaggerated by the pms, and I even told him something I've kept to myself for years. No regrets. He is without a doubt my husband. I love him. He helped me to stabilize my mood but I still went through a host of emotions in this one day.

Problem is:

I find myself feeling more and more unhappy with my dream school that it is turning into a nightmare. I am lonely there. I am slightly uncomfortable and intimidated. I'm nervous when I speak to office people. My confidence waivers. I don't even know why. People seem unfriendly now. Even those who sit next to you. Most people just seem cold and distant. Everyone is sizing you up like competition. I am not used to the environment and given my personality, it is both a big disappointment and kind of stifling. I feel like I'm not going to build any connections here. I'd love to meet new people and feel like I belong but it may not happen, and so I have to mentally prepare for it. Now I understand why Helen and Red said they hated this school, and the random girl in the elevator said it too. It is just very lonely. As for classes, I am sitting upfront in all of them, but I am still not in the groove. I feel like my focus is not there at all. I'm hating it so much that I haven't even opened a text book yet. I didn't want to face anything. I came in with all of these expectations like joining clubs and starting something on campus and exchanging smiles with my fellow classmates. Foolishly... I should have just came in with the mentality of coming in and getting out. This is as concrete jungle as it gets. Like them, I should just be about my own business. I know that now... but it doesn't stop me from wanting to make the best out of this experience like I planned. So I made a list of goals to achieve while here, both academic and personal, and I decided to just stick to it and let everything else fall in place. Let the chips fall where they may... Or something like it.

It's Not a Celebration Bitches

It's not a celebration anymore. I'm tired. No, actually that doesn't give this feeling the justice it deserves. I'm exhausted. From celebrating other people. I know, I know that sounds so horrible, but its true. When friends get married, have babies, buy new homes, get new jobs, have birthdays it is your job as a friend to throw confetti in the air, round up the troops and attend or throw a bash in their honor. And usually the celebration is a ton of fun!

The only problem is in your late 20s/early 30s, the aforementioned celebrations tend to involve plane tickets, bridal shower gifts, wedding gifts, rental cars, bottle service, baby gifts, housewarming gifts, bridesmaid dresses, days out of work and it can not only drain your wallet but make you wonder if there will be any confetti left in the Big Confetti Store of Life when it is finally your turn for a celebration.

I'm tired. I can't say it enough. I love life. I love friends. I love laughter. And I experience all of these things in each celebration I attend or host. But I'm tired of celebrating other people and for once, would like to be celebrated. How selfish is that? Even if we all gathered around a cupcake, lit a solitary candle and sang me a song called "You're awesome and we love you" I'd be fine. It usually takes a huge life altering event like a wedding or the birth of a child for people to buy plane tickets to celebrate you. Or even worse, your death. But what about everything in between? I have a friend that moved away to a state where she had no friends, and has been asking friends to come visit - only 1 has come so far. But if she got married, everyone would drop everything and fly from every corner of the earth to celebrate.

Can't we just celebrate people for being friends? We should create a friend party that has absolutely no purpose but to shower love on someone for being who they are. Not a birthday party. Not a bridal shower. A Just Because celebration. The world would be a better place and people would feel so much more appreciated if they existed.

What’s the issue with 100%?

Too many people are half-assing shit now a days. At work. In friendships. In relationships. In life in general. People are just doing the minimum and "getting by" I’m so over it.

I am tired of being the one who reaches out to people to see how you’re doing or invite you to hang out. I’m tired of being the one working late, checking things over, thinking harder/longer to make our project better. I’m tired of turning the other cheek and justifying people’s behaviour and apologising to myself for what other’s do. I'm tired of not seeing my input matched/shared.

I am very frustrated with people’s general lack of consistent and meaningful effort in … everything.

Don’t say you’re trying if you’re not going to do it. Don’t do it if you’re not going to do it well.

Shuffle your feet on your own time. Don’t waste mine. I don’t have time for “almost.” Your 74% is bringing down my average. I am about results. Action. Movement.

When I do things, I put my all in it. If I don’t feel like it then I won’t do it. If I’m doing it (whether or not I want to) if I’m doing it, I’m doing it to the best of my ability. Simple rule. Either go hard or go home. So while every day, every time, I may not have the same energy or time or whatever, I still do the best I can under those circumstances and put in my 100%. (Sometimes that 100% looks better than others – like if you’re sick or tired… but at least try. At least do your best.)

I’m by no means perfect and I know this is probably my extreme Virgo work-ethic and obsession with perfection... But I just can’t accept the constant excuses, laziness, apathy and mediocrity. I can't.

Good enough just is not good enough for me.

There. I said it.

/end rant.